It seems like an odd questions at first glance, but there are a lot of people out there working on "goals" that they were told to care about but never took the time to truly evaluate for themselves. It's not their fault and it's not your fault if you figure out that you're doing the same. This is an exploration exercise that many people can benefit from, but before you get upset with your parents or family that raised you, know that they were doing the best that they could with the knowledge that they had at the time. This isn't a time to get mad about what did happen, but an opportunity to get to know your own wants and beliefs better.
Adults do their best to raise children in a way that will result in the child's safety and happiness. They do this with their own set of beliefs from their own life experiences. Parents try to ensure that their children don't have to live through the same struggles that they did. As well-intentioned as they may have been, this comes from a place of fear and fear is a powerful emotion that can reek havoc on a person's life if left unchecked.
Now would be a great time to reflect on your own upbring to see how many well-intentioned "suggestions" were made to tell you exactly how to live your life. How many of them did you accept as "truth" without a second thought? I can't speak for you, but i can tell you that i accepted A LOT of things as "true" that i no longer see that way.
Here are just some of the things that I had to deconstruct:
You have to make a lot of money to consider your life "successful."
You can't make a lot of money without a bachelor's degree.
You have to major in a "practical" study area that will withstand the test of time. The arts, music, and sports were for fun, not for building careers.
You have failed at life if you have to rely on anyone but yourself.
Everything worth having or appreciating in life costs money.
The worst thing that you could be is lazy and it implies a moral failing.
Your sense of worth should come from how productive that you are or how strong your work ethic is. If you are not productive, you are worthless.
You should want children of your own. And if you don't as a teenager, you will definitely change your mind when you get older.
Monogamy is the only "real" relationship model and all others are wrong, gross, evil, or would never be long lasting.
Heterosexuality is the only acceptable form of attraction. All others are sexual deviants who are considered "lost" but will eventually figure out that happiness only comes from heterosexual relationships.
You should always prioritize relationships with blood relatives over anyone else because they are the only ones who will always be there for you and you should always be there for them.
I hope that some of these gave you pause. Maybe some of them sounded familiar. Maybe some of them you've already challenged and you now believe otherwise. I hope that's the case! The good news is that it is never too late to start questioning if your beliefs are truly your own or just a byproduct of growing up.
A lot of clients wind up sitting with a coach because they reach the top of the proverbial mountain expecting happiness and joy only to find the exact opposite. It's an overwhelming experience to say the least, and it typically hits harder the MORE successful that a person has become. Imagine working your ass off for years or sometimes decades only to realize that you never had a vested interest in it yourself.
Jessica was brought up in the Midwest. She had two sisters and a lot of cousins that lived close by. The extended family got together often where all of the aunts and uncles doted on Jessica and her sisters, telling them regularly how much they looked forward to seeing them at these events with their own kids and how great it would be. As teens, all of the girls were pushed to go to college and get great jobs so that they can live "the American dream" just like the rest of the family. Jessica went to college and majored in accounting. She met a nice guy while she was in college. They got engaged while still in school and married just after college graduation. Jessica felt great because she was checking off all of the boxes of expectations laid on her by her family. Shortly after the wedding, Jessica landed an accounting job that paid super well while her now husband landed a job in sales that wasn't as well paid but had great commission potential. It was around this time that the family started getting way more pushy about when the couple would start having kids. Even though they were both focused on building a solid foundation at their new jobs, they started looking for a home to buy so that they had a house to raise the inevitable children in. They found one in no time and within a year Jessica was pregnant with their first child. The stress of the impending child along with the unpredictable pay of Jessica's husband, the couple starts arguing far more than they ever had before. They both push through all of the arguments, both blaming the other for the issues, but never talking about the core issues that are bothering either of them. The baby comes and Jessica feels like she is raising the child alone while her husband only has to focus on his job. This is about the time that Jessica is looking for her "happy ending and American Dream." She did all of the things that she was told to! She got the degree, got married, bought a house, and had a baby. Why wasn't she happy?? She starts to resent the people and things that she was "supposed" to want to make her happy. Her relationship with her husband becomes more and more strained.
Before the baby is 5 years old Jessica has filed for divorce and enlisted the help of a coach to focus on her own goals in this new life. It was only in the space and safety of the coaching session that Jessica was able to honestly say out loud that she never actually wanted all of the things that she had worked so hard for. It was coaching that allowed her to get to know herself.
It sounds silly, but many women are brought up to always be asking the question - what does everyone else need? By doing this, they never take the time to even consider what they want for themselves. That alone can be a very overwhelming realization to come to, so please be gentle with yourself if this is exactly where you're finding yourself. Also know that there is no such thing as too late to have this realization! If you are breathing, you deserve to live the life that you want to live!
If you are still reading this, it is likely time for you to make an invest in yourself. If you are ready to start deconstructing your own default beliefs, start by investing time. Time is the biggest resource that you have and likely never prioritize for yourself. You are worthy of your own time!
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